The Book of Refreshments


Chapter 1 – Before Now

That which is once was what was, and that which was is now what is, but some of what was is no more, and some of what is now wasn’t around before.

Verses 1 through 21

1. The Great Powers did wander throughout the Universe in befuddled search of the thing that they were certain that they had just some moments before.

2. And in their searching they did come across the World as it was and – looking quickly about to make sure no one was watching – they did claim it as their own handiwork.

3. They did then look down upon their World and did see it was populated with mortals.

4. But Lo! The mortals were wretched and miserable and more than a little daft, and they did not seem to be able to handle kitchen tools very well.

5. So the Great Powers did take a bit of time off and did visit the World in the form of Fat Men in Silly Hats, and they did teach the mortals the Great Culinary Arts.

6. Of boiling and poaching and steaming and stewing and roasting and searing and frying and sauteing did the Great Powers teach the mortals.

7. And the Great Powers did also carefully guide the mortals in the manufacture of griddles and spatulas and frying pans and microwave ovens.

8. Of chopping and dicing and slicing and smashing and scattering and smothering did the Great Powers also teach the mortals.

9. And the mortals did become happier and less wretched and somewhat fatter, but alas they did not become less daft in the slightest degree, for after all they were still mortals.

10. Then did the Great Powers go off to discuss the project among themselves over a cappuccino at a nearby cafe.

11. While they were away the Evil One did happen by and saw the World, and he immediately recognized their doings as the Great Powers have very distinctive handwriting.

12. Being of an adversarial temperament, the Evil One was thus compelled to meddle in affairs that were not his own.

13. So the Evil One did descend to the World in the form of a Multinational Conglomerate and did begin to corrupt the mortals with his Nefarious and Vile ideas.

14. Inspired by the Evil One, the mortals did invent all manner of nasty things.

15. Decaffeinated Coffee did the mortals invent, and Non-Dairy Whipped Topping, and Processed Meat Food, and Beef Bouillon, and Beverages Made With Less Than Ten Percent Real Juice, and Snack Chips That Are All Identical In Shape.

16. Then did the mortals get quite chubby and did park themselves on their sofas so they could partake of these alleged foods while taking in the popular entertainments.

17. And the Evil One was pleased with his doings and did hide and wait for the return of the Great Powers, probably so that he could taunt them.

18. The Great Powers did return and look down upon the world, and they were really grossed out.

19. And they did immediately recognize the doings of the Evil One, and look around and say as one “All right! Where is that slimy little bugger?”

20. There was a great conflagration in the heavens as the Great Powers did thrash the Evil One, yea! and they did kick his butt across the Universe.

21. And the Evil One did slink off to that place where Evil Ones go when defeated, but before leaving he did manage to steal all the potholders.

Verses 22 through 30

22. In the time before chewy granola and orgainic veggie chips, mothers did seek a snak that would be pleasing to their children and yet would be healthy.

23. And the Evil One did see this, and did smell an opportunity for making a buck.

24. The Evil One did take the form of a dancing fig, and did sing the praises of small cakes wrapped cleverly around a layer of fig paste.

25. And he did sing these praises between those popular entertainments directed towards the children.

26. Then did the children go to their parents and beseech them to purchase those fig things.

27. And Lo! The parents did comply, if only because they were sick to death of the hearing the kids whine, besides which, figs are natural and healthy.

28. Thus did the children eat many fig things while watching the popular entertainments, and also did they dance and sing the praises of those fig things.

29. Thus also did the parents continue to purchase those fig things, for they did keep the kids quiet.

30. But in the years that followed, the children did grow chubby and did cease to dance in favor of resting on the sofa, but still did they sing the praises of those fig things.