The Book of Refreshments


Chapter 27 – Wafflorium of Saint Child

Saint Child’s instructions to the faithful concerning their choices in breakfast foods.

Verses 1 through 31

1. In the time before the coming of the Toasterstrudel there were Great Powers that would roam aimlessly throughout the aether in search of something productive to do with their time.

2. And The Great Powers did often come upon short-order cooks, for there were many in that age, and all of them did know how to make a pleasant omelet.

3. And breakfast was something that weighed heavily upon the minds of The Great Powers, so that they took to hanging around the sort of places that stayed open all night.

4. There was one amongst the short-order cooks that would become known as St. Child, and she was exceptionally skilled at waffling, and at making pleasant omelets, and was secretly trained at chopping, dashing, smashing, scattering, and smothering.

5. The Great Powers did encounter St. Child at the place of her employment within the walls of the House of Waffles, and did notice the impressive skills of St. Child.

6. And they did go off and discuss matters quietly among themselves.

7. Then they did appear at the House of Waffles in the form of a burning pillar of cheese that did not melt, only to find that St. Child had gone off her shift and was no where to be found.

8. The Great Powers did then wait for quite a while, and their flames did eventually go out.

9. When St. Child did return to the House of Waffles, The Great Powers did speak to her and instruct her to make unto them a Holy Waffle.

10. Then did The Great Powers wander off, congratulating themselves on a job well done.

11. St. Child did then start gathering the ingredients, for she was a professional and would fill orders even when they were given by a pillar of smoked cheese.

12. Flour of the finest Amaranth she did gather, and clean eggs that were brown of shell, and the milk of laughing, happy cows, and mysterious powders that would encourage fluffiness, and real butter that was not rancid, and yea she did gather in all of these and the hour did grow quite late.

13. But in those times there also was an Evil One who tended to follow The Great Powers around, eavesdropping on Their conversations, moving Their cups of coffee, and in general messing up Their plans.

14. The Evil One did overhear the order, and for some unknown reason was jealous, so he resolved to make a mess of things.

15. He took the form of a Donkey and did manifest in the House of Waffles and spake to St. Child.

16. St. Child was not at all surprised, for she had already spoken with a pillar of smoked cheese and pretty much nothing outweirded that.

17. Then did The Donkey say, “Zowie! I’m really tired, and I could use a drink! What do you say we head off to this bar of which I know of.”

18. Tempted was St. Child, for she had already put in a full day, and did not like to waffle after dark, but she was a professional and knew that she must fill all orders, even those given by pillars of smoked cheese.

19. Then did The Donkey hold up a bottle of Scotch and say, “We can stay up late swapping stories and in the morning I’ll make the waffles.”

20. Again was St. Child tempted, for the Scotch was well aged and she was uncertain as to just who was going to pay for the Holy Waffle, but she was a professional, and the House of Waffles had strict rules about serving all customers.

21. And St. Child did then speak unto The Donkey and did say, “Bugger off.”

22. She paid The Donkey no more heed, and being thus ignored He did slink off to that place to which Evil Ones go when thwarted.

23. Then did St. Child begin the making of the Holy Waffle.

24. Flour of the finest Amaranth she did mix, and clean eggs that were brown of shell, and the milk of laughing, happy cows, and mysterious powders that would encourage fluffiness, and real butter that was not rancid, and yea she did mix in all of these and the hour did grow quite late.

25. And she did carefully fish out the bits of eggshell that had accidentally fallen into the batter.

26. Then St. Child did pour the batter into the Sacred Waffle Iron from the Land of the Cleves, and did close the top as to make a proper waffle pattern.

27. Steam did come out from the edges until it did stop, and when it stopped then the Waffle was finished.

28. Then did St. Child open up he Sacred Waffle Iron from the Land of the Cleves to find the Holy Waffle, which she did then gently pry loose with a fork and did place upon a blue plate.

29. And Saint Child carried the plate to the door where many did await the opening of the House of Waffles, and she lifted up the Holy Waffle and spoke aloud to the Great Powers, saying “Bless this, thine Holy Waffle, and guide us in its distribution among your subjects, who being partial to waffles will be happy in your sight.”

30. And the Great Powers did grin, and the people did feast on pancakes, and fresh fruit, and breakfast cereals, and juice, and toast with yummy marmalade, and sticky rolls, and instant breakfast beverages, and on all manner of fatty fried meats.

31. And they did frolic as donkeys with their waffles and were joyous in the warmth of the syrup.

Verses 48 through 62

48. A man walked into the House of Waffles well before the sixth hour and did sit at the counter.

49. He examined the menu with great care and then did speak to St. Child, saying “I have just come from the mill where I have toiled throughout the night and I wish to partake of a large breakfast for I am a Manly-man with much hunger.”

50. St. Child did have mild difficulty in assimilating this as it was still early and she had not yet consumed her third cup of the bitter beverage.

51. Then she offered to prepare for the man the Special, which would consist of two waffles with fresh butter and two eggs cooked in any style and three strips of bacon and three sausage links and grits of a cheesy nature and toast that is made of bread that is to be chosen a multitude of varieties and all of this to be served on a plate that is not blue for only four and a half ducats.

52. But the man would only scowl and say, “But I am a Manly-man and do not wish to eat things that are fluffy, nor do I wish to eat grits for I have just been working at the grit mill and to the death I am sick of the smell of them.”

53. Then did St. Child boggle in a small way, for had this man not chosen to dine at the House of Waffles?

54. But she did then regain her composure as she was a professional and she went to the walk-in.

55. From there St. Child did take out a large measure of ground beef which she flattened and placed upon the grill to sizzle as it should.

56. And she placed upon it a slice of the cheese that is not cheese, and allowed it to melt, and then did serve the meat on a sliced onion roll with lettuce and tomato and mayonnaise and onion, and added a pickle wedge on the side.

57. Then the man did scowl further and say, “But this is a cheeseburger. I want breakfast.”

58. St. Child shook her head and said, “It’s not a cheeseburger. It’s a meat pancake.”

59. The man was thus greatly confused and repeated softly, “A meat pancake.”

60. And St. Child did respond, saying “Yes, now shut up and eat your breakfast.”

61. So the man did shrug and did eat the meat pancake, and he found that his stomach was filled and he was happy since he wasn’t served any grits or fluffy foods.

62. And there was much contented silence in the House of Waffles.

Verses 94 through 116

94. Safe did St. Child keep the Holy Waffle, and did store it in a special cardboard box in the back of the deep-freeze at the House of Waffles.

95. And each day did the faithful come by to see it, and then stay and partake of the fresh-brewed coffee.

96. After many months St. Child had forgotten the Evil One, who had visited her in the form of a Donkey on the night she had made the Holy Waffle.

97. The Evil One however was born of the Sign of the Overripe Mango, and was therefore the kind to hold a grudge.

98. Thus did he remember quite well having been slighted, and did vow to destroy St. Child, or at least to steal her spatula.

99. Then did the Evil One take the form of a Doughgolem and did open up a small Wafflery where he undertook the making of an Unholy Antiwaffle.

100. The cheapest flour and eggs he did use, as well as a great number of ingredients that are unpronounceable and of questionable origin.

101. He did mix the ingredients in an Infernal Contraption as to prevent any semblance of real food, and did freeze the Unholy Antiwaffle immediately after cooking.

102. Then the Doughgolem did advertise prominently in the popular entertainments and colour supplements, and did refer to the Unholy Antiwaffle as “The Holiest of Waffles”.

103. These advertisements were witnessed by a great many people, and they did make their way to the Wafflery to see “The Holiest of Waffles”.

104. And to each the Doughgolem did say, “See? It’s even nicer than that one at that other place! What’s more, I’ll even sell you one just like it so that you can have a Holiest of Waffles of your very own.

105. The people were as one who is stupid, and did each buy a “Holiest of Waffles” for their very own.

106. Then did they cease to make the daily pilgrimage to the House of Waffles and did no longer stay to partake of the ritual cup of coffee.

107. St. Child did alone stay with the Holy Waffle, chopping, dashing, smashing, scattering, and smothering quietly in the unlighted shop.

108. In despair did she then raise up her voice to the Great Powers and beseech them, “Ok, so now what?”

109. The Great Powers did leave off their game of cribbage to ponder this one.

110. And the Great Powers did appear to St. Child in the form of a giant wilted lettuce, and told her to go and advertise prominently in the popular entertainments and colour supplements, for it would seem that the Great Powers lack a bit in the area of creativity.

111. St. Child did place the advertisements, which noted that the waffles made at the House of Waffles were made fresh, from the best ingredients, and by a licensed Waffler – unlike the crap that came from the Wafflery of the Doughgolem.

112. Then the people were as one who realizes that he’s bought a cheap, tasteless, mass-produced Unholy Antiwaffle from a Doughgolem.

113. And the people did smash the Unholy Antiwaffles, which was quite easy as they were all very stale.

114. And they did return to their practice of visiting the House of Waffles each day, and then staying to partake of the fresh-brewed coffee.

115. St. Child was delighted in the return of the misguided to the fold, and thus was compelled to upgrade her coffee equipment and to install an espresso machine as well.

116. The Great Powers did congratulate themselves on another job well done, and did mosey off to find some rum drinks with little umbrellas.