The Book of Refreshments


The Apocrypha

Many scholars claim that this fragment is actually one of the later chapters of the Book of Refreshments. Others maintain that it is a proto-gnostic forgery, used in Syria and Lebanon to convince the Church of the Lengthy Tea to convert the cultists of the cucumber sandwich. Regardless, we can be fairly sure that this is an Important Religious Document, as it’s too lengthy and boring to be much of anything else.

There is evidence that this text was not written by the same author as the rest of the Book of Refreshments in that here the figure referred to as “the master” is not physically abused. Scholars therefore frequently refer to these texts as being written by “Author B”.


Chapter 32, Verses 1 through 21

1. When Bill returned from the Master he went up to the village of Malvern, wherein he made his home.

2. And the villagers said unto him, “What did you learn”, and, “When will you mow your lawn?”

3. And Bill spake, and said:

4. I learned this from the Master that I will now tell you:

5. Eat not of the taco of the beef,

6. For it carries the fruit of madness and clogs the arteries.

7. Eat not of the taco of the bean,

8. For it is mushy and tasteless.

9. Eat not of the taco of the birds of the air that do not fly,

10. For although they are low in fat you would not believe how much salt they put in them.

11. Eat not of the taco of the birds of the air that do fly,

12. For that is just weird.

13. And eat not of the taco that is simply called “meat,”

14. For you do not wish to know what is in that.

15. But eat you of the taco of the fishes of the sea,

16. Truly, eat the taco of the fishes of the sea in quantity,

17. For it is tasty, and flaky, and comes with two kinds of sauce

18. And in the land of California

19. And in the land of Texas

20. And in some other lands the taco of the fishes of the sea

21. Is outselling pretty much everything else.


Chapter 33, Verses 1 through 6

1. And the villagers of Malvern murmered among themselves and said:

2. If it is done in the land of California,

3. And if it is done in the land of Texas,

4. Should we also not do it as well?

5. For they were like unto the sheep of the field.

6. And many that day resolved to eat only of the taco of the fishes of the sea.


Chapter 34, Verses 1 through 3

1. And Bill spoke and said:

2. Bring unto me the children

3. For I have brought t-shirts


Chapter 35, Verses 1 through 3

[The following passage comes from the Gearman Manuscript, and is attributed to an unknown member of the Nestorian Cheesebucketers.]

1. And lo, there came those who did ask for many sauces into which to dip the meat, savoring not it’s rich natural flavor, nor the flavors in which the chef had labored to add.

2. They then soaked the meat in these sauces and mixtures to the point that the meat itself could not be tasted.

3. From this we learn the lesson that while some food may need additional flavors to be enjoyable, too much is just overdoing it.

4. Further, it may bring a angry chef with a meat cleaver after ye.