Doc's Food Rules


(subject to revision)

1. If the dessert needs to be ordered first so there’s time for it to be prepared during your meal, order it.

2. If there’s a green rum drink on the menu, order it.

3. Do not eat at any restaurant where the largest sign reads either “FOOD” or “EAT”.

4. Do not eat at any restaurant where the biggest selling point is “All You Can Eat”.

5. The presence of cloth napkins is weakly correlated with food quality.

6. Don’t order spicy food at restaurants that are popular with the elderly.

7. Avoid brewed beverages that have pictures of animals on the label.

8. Aloe Vera is not food.

9. The quality of wine is inversely proportional to the “fanciness” of the bottle.

10. When in doubt, choose the third cheapest wine of the appropriate color.

11. Don’t waste calories. If you’re going to eat something bad for you, make sure it’s really good.

12. Don’t be rude to the wait staff.